For Some reason I feeel like I have downgraded my life. On paper I have decent job with decent pay. Work not yeet started, This i upposed to be my honeymoon period in the job but Something is killing me from inside. Eeverytime I see someone going to some place for ICML my thought go in the direction of soo cool could have been me but I fkd up. Everytime I see someone doing great in research It triggers this dissatisfaction in me . It not envy towards other It not like I feel wow they have it. Its just I missed the chance when I had one. I am not sure at this point what I want. I don’t want to be a broke researcher dissatified cause of money issues. I also don’t want to be a corporate slave with money but no passion. I want to put my mind and heart towards what I love doing and make money doing it. It may be a fantasy to thin that way until and unles you make shit tone load of money as a backup and then spend on exciting things like how larry page and seregei brin did. Made Google big and used that money to do crazy interesting stuff. I think I will never be able to be larry page or seregei brin mainly because of inheritence issues. But may be I can be Jeff Bezos. He did not have any inheritence advantages He worked his ass off or made people work their asses off and made a fortune. But I am not sure if I want to live that way, Its not I want to or I dont want to , it just i don’t know. I am not sure what a perfect life will look like. may be I have to start thinking about it first and then think of what I want to pursue.

I want to be a very capable person and build that while being happy ig. I am not sure what a perfect day will look like. May be It will be me pushing myself to limints in every direction and feel good about myself while doing so. That might be a perfect day. I am not sure. I am pretty sure I am not one of thoe who love being flashy but I like to be capable enough in every direction. But that is ego in a way that to feel better than rest by comparing capability. May be happiness lies not in acheiving things but to immersse in the process without expecting anything. It might be in the state of doing something. It is hard to stay in that state though. I dont know.

I wanted to log this feeling that I felt on what am I actually doing with my life. On why I feel so disatisfied on contrat when people think I have done something, And I feel like I have demoted with more salary. By the look and feel of things this is what I feel. Lets hope actual work balances things off and changes my perspective and gives me a lot of things to learn.

May be this dissatisfaction is from my desire to do something great Which has no clear definition of identity to itself and not being able to acheive it, Like I wanted to go to IISc to associate myself as some Great Scholar or so . I genuinely loved research and I genuinely thought Research would be perfect for me. But I don’t want to be a broke researcher who has good knowledge but no money. I don’t want to end up like tesla basically like living alone, broke, suffering whole life even though The inventions were net good to society. May be This thought has made my decisions in such a way to pursue safe choices that gives me a comfortable net. In a way I do believe that research is kind of a rich mans game. Not because the knowledge is bottle neck but pursuing it scincierly requires time and effort and World does not appeciate failed researchers. We need money to battle that. which kind of is a expensive bet. If you have to take the responsibility of your family that changes the whole game.